i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize