Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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