dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
