I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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