Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
