Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
