even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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