i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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