1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
