So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
