8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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