Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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