Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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