her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
