her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize