i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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