The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
