i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
