Kiss
Puke
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
