accomplished twins. life is a go
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
