I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
