whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
