I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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