I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
