No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
