I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
