When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's not a walk of shame if you run
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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