I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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