He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize