sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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