Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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