PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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