plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
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