I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
