My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
