apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
