i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
