dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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