she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
