I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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