He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
