I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have tasted many bathrooms
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
