dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
