Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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