Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize