I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
