someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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