I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
