filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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