And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
