dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
