Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
