I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Damn victory sex feels great
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
