my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think people are normalizing furries
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize