I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
