Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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