Screwed.edu
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
