Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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