we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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