how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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