My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
