Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
