Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize