And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
