I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
