toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
