My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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