My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
