this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
