You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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