When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
