Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
