He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
