don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize