my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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