I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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