I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize