Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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